Sometimes You Have to Add Some Schmaltz

Amanda Evans
June 21, 2018


So you've written your first draft, and it isn't quite getting the job done.
Maybe it hasn't turned out to be --

• Expressive
• Attention-grabbing
• Detailed
• Just plain interesting 

Here's what you can do to make it shine. 

Evaluate Your Draft

Once you've got the structure and basic language down on paper or into your computer, it's time to make sure it clearly conveys what you want the reader to walk away with.  Ask yourself some questions:

• Can the reader "see" what I'm describing?
• Are there enough details to support the premise and conclusions?
• Will the reader remain interested to the end?
• Is this going to evoke any emotions?
• Is my message coming across clearly?
• Are the action-items laid out in a compelling way?

If your answer is "no" to any of these questions, then you've got a little work to do.

Lay on the Schmaltz

You know what I'm talking about.  When you were a kid and trying to impress your school teacher with how innocent you really were, you would pile on the adjectives that they wanted to hear--things like "studious, devoted, upstanding, motivated," and on and on. That, my friend, is schmaltz.

There are several classes of schmaltz, which you can use to punch-up your work:

• Descriptive words
• Descriptive narrative
• Details, details, details
• Exciting narrative
• Emotional hooks
• Building to a climax
• Going in for the kill

Let's take a look at them one by one.

Descriptive Words

You can sprinkle-in descriptive words or phrases wherever you want.  And they can be used for more than just describing objects.  Here are some examples:

• Describe the way something is said.
  

  "'Where are we?' asked Michael, out of breath." *
  "'Silence!' he hissed."

• Describe the look or feel of the setting.
  

  "The sky was hard blue, with no clouds."

• Describe an emotion.
  

  "Michael's face slowly lost its color as he looked around the room."

• Add a technical description.
  

  "The crystal turned to smoky blue. She held it in both hands."

Descriptive Narrative

There are instances in which you can't just throw in a few adjectives and make things clear enough.  That's when descriptive narrative can be helpful.

• Add a paragraph to set the scene.
  

  "In the dark forest, deep in the night, a fair-haired man lay sleeping on the ground.  Next to him stood a gray, speckled pony, the man's trusted companion.  Both man and pony breathed together in heavy slumber."

• Insert an "aside" statement to clarify or present an alternate point.
  

  "Even with bumps and bruises, they were enjoying their fight with this human."

• Finish up a section with a description of resultant thoughts or emotions.
  

  "Alix looked at Michael, and she knew that it was all right to go."

• Use description to transition from one scene to the next.
  

  "'It's going to be cold,' said Michael as they stepped through the crystal window."

  
  

Details, Details, Details

The best way to describe something is to provide a multitude of details.  It's also a good way to win an argument.  This technique can be overused though, so only do it a few times in a book or maybe once in a short story.  Here's an example:

"In one corner of the room, Alix saw child-sized musical instruments--a little wooden flute, a harp, a cello with a bow, a silver drum, and a brass horn.  There was a beautiful doll that was as big as a small child, a baby doll, and a tiny family that lived in a dollhouse.  A large bookcase held rows of books with gold letters on them."

Exciting Narrative

When I wrote Pentalia, a children's fantasy novel, I tested it on a group of willing elementary school students.  The girls loved it, and the boys stopped reading after a chapter or two.  My brother, the fantasy-guy, advised me to add some scenes. "Spill some blood, break some bones."  Needless to say, the boys loved my next draft.

"The man grappled with the tireless trolls, fending off an onslaught of bites and blows.  The little men whooped and hollered their battle cries and yelped in pain as they were hurled against trees and rocks."

Emotional Hooks

If you want to write engaging text, then you're going to have to elicit some emotions from the reader.  It's pretty easy to add emotional "hooks" to your narrative.  All you have to do is put yourself in the reader's shoes and consider the following questions:

• What are they concerned about?
• What makes them mad?
• How's the best way to make 'em cry? 

For the following hook, it was easy to think of something that would make a twelve-year-old girl mad.  Here's what the bad guy says:

"What an angry little girl.  In a few years, she'll make a good plaything for us."

Building to a Climax

In most scenes or even essays, you can lay out your arguments or describe events so that you build the reader up to a climax, and then "wham"--you hit them with the point.

"Sitting high in a nearby tree, one of the trolls prepared a final blow for the man.  He dipped a small quill into a leather bag filled with thick liquid. Then he pulled a long, hollow tube from his shirt.  He slid the quill into the tube, lifted it to his mouth, and blew."

Going in for the Kill

There's nothing so powerful as a well-built, intensely delivered message.  This is an indispensible tool for both fiction and nonfiction.  To improve your first draft, usually you'll have to pump it up a bit.

"By this time, Alix's face was hot with rage.  She had heard enough.  'You brainless, slimy slug.  You are fit for nothing more than crawling upon the ground, dousing your stench in rancid mud.'"

Don't Overdo It

Nobody likes to read a sloppy, gushy, overly detailed description--especially when there's no point at the end, or it has no bearing on the story.  But there is a very fine line between too little and too much, and it is different for each individual situation.

By the time you're ready to decide if you have gone too far or not far enough, you've probably read over your drafts too many times.  After about the third reading, your discrimination days are over for that piece of writing.  You just can't experience it as the reader anymore.  That's when an editor is very helpful.

Or at least get your brother, the fantasy-guy to read it.

Remember, everyone needs an extra brain.

*  All of the writing examples in this article are from Pentalia by Amanda Evans.

Amanda Evans has been editing and writing in a wide variety of fields for over thirty years. During that time, she authored numerous technical manuals and articles, as well as a children's fantasy novel. In addition, she served as editor-in-chief at a publishing house in Austin, Texas.
http://amandaevansediting.blogspot.com/